double standard

In my to-remain-unnamed place of work this morning, there was mention made in a meeting of a new employee starting at the end of the month. The only further information provided was that the new employee is male. The question was immediately raised by a current female employee: "Oooh, is he hot?" Another female asked "Where is he gonna sit?" Answers were volunteered, all coming from females: "He can sit by me!" and "Knowing our luck, he's probably old."

My brief amusement turned into anger. As a male, there is no way I could ever get away with saying equivalent things in a government job, which in theory should adhere to strictest standards surrounding proper dialogue. Imagine the situation had been reversed, and I had asked "Oooh, is she hot?" or responded to that question with "She's probably old." I WOULD BE OUT OF A JOB, or at least would have been sent to sensitivity training, whereas the women that spoke in such terms about a man were simply met with chuckles and agreement.



Has the pendulum swung so far past equality in the workplace that women are now allowed to make such comments? It didn't bother me horribly, but even I felt a twinge of self-consciousness ("Don't they think I'm hot?") when this statement shocked me out of my normal morning-meeting indifference. I looked around, not sure I had heard correctly, only to learn that my ears had not deceived me, as all the women in the meeting were exchanging smiles and nods. This would be described as misogynistic or even lecherous had the same words-plus-knowing-looks exchange occurred among men. The discussion finally went back to official meeting topics once it was agreed that a wait-and-see approach was the only option.

After getting over my initial shock, I must tip my hat to this great country and recognize this episode for what it is: proof that AMUHRICA is leading the charge when it comes to enlightened, free thinking on the subjects of women's rights--allowing men to be treated like nothing more than pieces of meat. Welcome to the 21st century, new guy: where your actual capacity for the job is superceded by your appearance.

Canucks vs. Yanks

Universal health care <=====> Unaffordable health insurance

Relaxed drug laws <=====> The "War on Drugs"

Shania Twain <=====> Paris Hilton

Low crime rate <=====> Serial killers

Mike Myers <=====> Dane Cook

The woman pictured above on the left is a Canadian; on the right is an Amuhrican.

While Amuhrica may not stand up to Canada when comparisons are carefully selected, more telling conclusions can be drawn when comparing two average citizens--in this case, drunk women eating hot dogs.

Note the facial expression of the woman on the left. She is pandering to the camera, focused more on the picture taker than the task at hand (eating her motherfucking hot dog). She is probably thinking "Oh, frigg, that single Molson has me pissed up! What is this, a hot dog? This is such a silly photo! My friends will think me a hoser, eh?" Also note her hands: she is using both to eat her boring and basic hot dog, but the task could likely be accomplished with one. Finally, note her hair, which is stuck in a time warp. One might think it is 1988, although the picture is actually from 2006.

Now let's take a look at the woman on the right. While her look may be rather bland, it is clear she is at least from this century. Similarly, Amuhrica dictates pop culture and while we celebrate our past, we do not try to recreate it. The woman on the right has a much larger hot dog that requires two hands, plus it is stacked with onions and likely various other toppings. Amuhrica's hot dog is loaded with toppings (various racial and ethnic groups) and eaten from a bun (our shared country) that always requires two hands (only use one and we'll be all over you). She either ignores the camera or is not even aware that a picture is being taken, as she is appropriately focused on eating her motherfucking hot dog and fully experiencing the ecstasy anticipated in her first massive bite. This epitomizes the unwavering and focused strength of Amuhrica. She is likely thinking "Hell yeah! Hot dog! I'm wasted! Baseball! Fuck kilometers!" and the expression on her face is that of the carefree joy that comes with being Amuhrican.

Score one for the Yanks.

"DYKE OUT"

A picture is worth 1000 words...

Somebody said that once. I say this one is worth exactly two words.

A wise man once told me, "If you can get a chick to make out with a blow up doll, a real girl is obviously the next step." Although incredibly AMUHRICAN, this was easily the dumbest thing he has ever said.

dyke out - v. - to kiss another woman

I know that multiple men and women alike have uttered this phrase - "Dyke out, Jo!" - but despite its rather frequent conversational appearances in the under-30 Seattle set, its usage has yet to prompt one of the heterosexual females to which it is most often directed to in fact kiss another woman.

The act of "dyking out", even in its most innocent form (as defined above), has only been witnessed when much goading and/or money is involved. Two instances only: 2002, after many drinks and at least 45 minutes of encouragement; and 1999, after a $32 collection was taken and the need for entertainment on a 2 hour bus ride was fully explained. God bless the USA.

Although men the world over are fascinated with the idea of two (or more) women "dyking out", the cold reality is that it is the same as that damn granny blow up doll (pictured): not worth the price (monetary or otherwise), easy to reference but difficult to witness, and ultimately not as good as advertised.

Summer is upon us

I now understand that each and every blog post DOES NOT have to smack of genius and innovations in ridicularity. But that should not distract from the overall purpose and general vision of this blog.
That said, this is pretty damn AMUHRICAN. Kiddie pools and beer, with some big kids in the pool drinking said beer, a true beacon of the traditional Amuhrican summer.
It is summertime in the Pacific Northwest, and I, for one, have engaged Madame Summer in an epic battle. We are locked in a battle of the wills. She is trying to wait me out, but I WILL NOT LET HER WIN. I am going to force her out of her seclusion! I wear shorts and a t-shirt and hang out in backyards despite the gray skies and temperatures below 60. I host and attend barbecues hoping that a collective effort will force her hand. I laugh as she tries to send rain in her stead. I throw another burger on the grill, sip my beer, and steel my resolve to emerge victorious. I will not cave. Madame Summer cannot break my will.

USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!

For the inaugural post, we present two hallmarks of Amuhrica: beer and ingenuity. Every post hereafter will aspire to catalog and embolden true Amurhican genius.

Some may wonder why "Amuhrica" is spelled so. It is for pronunciation's sake, so that when it is said it sounds as close as possible to the enunciation that our fearless leader uses. It is also said in this way to help one "get fired up" about this great nation of ours.